It's 8:00am and by this point on most mornings I've done some laundry, loaded the dishwasher, fed and dressed both of my children - 1 month and 18 months - and had a cup of coffee. Most mornings we go out to our front living room, put on the record player and play with trains and cuddle. It is the best part of my day, by far.
When my son Reuben was born, I experienced a range of emotions but to be honest it seemed to me that by the time he was 6 months old I felt that I had changed a lot...for the worst. Although I knew I was blessed with this amazing little man who I adored watching learn and grow, I also experienced more exhaustion and frustration then I ever could have anticipated. I became someone I didn't recognize; I realized that I posessed characteristics that I hav never seen before. I've never been a morning person but this got to the point where I was impatient, angry, annoyed, and had very little tolerance of others (mostly my husband, poor guy.) I definitely loved the new experience of being a mommy but it took quite a while for me to understand the "joy of parenthood" because I just felt so tired all the time.
At this point a year ago, at 8am I would be dreading the fact that I was awake. I didn't understand why Reuben wouldn't sleep through the night or even past 5am.
When I was pregnant (and scared out of my mind) with Liliana, too many people told me, "it's easier with two!" I would silently think, "how is that even possible?" I imagined screaming babies, ganging up on me in the middle of the night. I anticipated being unable to cope and the tiredness to be something completely beyond my capability to handle. But, here I am, 5 weeks into having 2 children, and it is much better, and yes, easier, with two.
Reuben is now 18 months old and the absolute light and joy of my life. He makes me laugh so hard it's unnbelievable. The "joy of parenting" doesn't even begin to explain how this little boy makes me feel. Moreover, I have been further blessed with this amazing little girl, now 1 month old and SMILING. Yes, I don't care what other people say- she smiles! The stresses that I felt when I first became a mommy don't stress me out anymore. When the babies cry, I accept that "it happens." When Reuben wakes up in the night, or when he's being silly and throwing a tantrum, I accept that I can't give all of my attention to him and therefore it doesn't phase me as much. When liliana screams for an unknown reason (with Reuben I would try everything and we'd both end up crying), I have all of a sudden gained the ability to accept it and search for the root of the problem - which is usually a burp. I am so much more confident, calm, and happy to be doing this job!
All of this is to say that I now wake up after a fairly sleepless night and am ready for the day. I don't feel the same exhaustion that I felt in the beginning of motherhood. I feel joyful and excited that I have been given the responsibility of these two beautiful children. Do I still get impatient sometimes? Of course. Yesterday it took me a half hour to get Reuben's shoes on because Liliana wouldn't let me put her down (and if I did she screamed so hard she couldn't breathe.) It was frustrating, but we got through it. I love my children so much and although it is incredibly difficult, it's amazing as well.
It took me a little while to look at my children and understand what people were talking about when they talked about how incredible it is to be a mommy, but now I know beyond all shadow of a doubt that this is by far the most incredible feeling ever. I am so proud to be theirs.
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